Penance Inbox

[cantseeyoursin]

Thank you for contacting me. Please leave me a voice message. I will get back to you shortly.

Comments

action;

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen manages to seek out his counterpart before the changes actually happen; before the group even moves after Lilith and Lucifer, even. But things are disquieting enough that he thinks it necessary. He steps up next to him.

"I'm holding out tea for you, if you'd like some." Easier than plunging in at the deep end.

[cantseeyoursin]

He smiles at the familiar voice, "Of course. I would enjoy some tea." He feels a little lost with what has been going on recently. Unable to see the videos he has to rely on what he hears being said. And it is mostly just confusing. Perhaps also because he hasn't been here for very long to understand the entire situation.

He will gladly take the tea and talk with the other him for awhile. As odd as it is there is comfort in the familiarity.

[stardustdaozhang]

"Of course. I think there are places to sit in the wider area to the right of us. We can go that way, or to your room or mine?"

Any of these options works for him.

[cantseeyoursin]

Going to his room...that would be a more uncomfortable conversation then he would care to have at that moment. Too much explanation and he isn't entirely sure how to even begin.

"Let's stay down here for now. Unless things we have to discuss require more privacy."

He can't imagine it does but then again there has been a lot going on in the hotel and perhaps his twin would have some better idea of it then he does.

[stardustdaozhang]

On the other hand, who can he talk about it with other than his other self?

But no, Xingchen will not query just yet. He is too raw, himself, Zichen's repeated loss keenly felt.

"Of course." Xingchen leads the way to the lounge he has in mind. It's not exactly in its prime, but definitely functional enough. "It is... sometimes so easy, to hide in the assigned room. Let this place just... be. And at the same time - is it right to do so?"

[cantseeyoursin]

"We know better then most that hiding away is not always the answer. And if there are people in trouble, we should be out here and assisting them."

And there is often someone in need of assistance. Right now with everyone so distraught it seems even more necessary to be out and trying to help.

[stardustdaozhang]

Do we? The question is at the tip of his tongue, but Xingchen - the other Xingchen - does not know yet. Not how much damage he has already caused in his attempt to help others.

He only hums quietly.

"We need to be careful. Things are changing, and until we know that things are what they seem - do not be rash?"

Not that Xingchen is following his own advice, but - he has already been through the worst, after all. What worse can happen.

"How does that stand to reason?"

[cantseeyoursin]

"Yes...of course. It would be better to have more information before any one acts. But I don't think we can stop the others from charging ahead."

He wishes he could help people to settle down and think things through. he doesn't want to hear about anyone getting hurt because of rash actions. But he can't really stop any of them either. No one enjoys having the things they enjoy being ripped out from underneath them so suddenly.

"Make sure you do the same. I don't want to hear that you are protecting me but sacrificing yourself."

[stardustdaozhang]

"It..." Xingchen's cheeks heat up at the call-out, and after the brief stutter, he lets out a long breath.

"It is ... less easy to focus on keeping myself safe right now." He does not know how many times he can bear losing Zichen. But bringing that up, he suspects, will not make it any easier for either of them.

"Xingchen - do you think that all who are here deserve the punishment that is supposed to be delivered?"

[cantseeyoursin]

He turns his face away at the question. he is sure that he does. He knows what his sins are and he can't argue with them even if he hasn't actually seen his list. But he has met good people here and so it becomes harder to believe that everyone in this place is the same.

"I can't speak for all. If we are here, then we must be here for a reason. We might not know what sins have been committed but, we know they exist. I'm not sure the degree of punishment necessarily matches the crimes."

He has found this world to be a bit harsh in how it dolls things out. But he is in no position to argue.

[stardustdaozhang]

"For a reason..." Xingchen echoes, then sighs softly. "Even Zichen?"

Others might lie about whether they deserve it or not, though Xingchen is inclined to believe at least some of them that this is not the right place for them. But... not him. He would not lie.

[cantseeyoursin]

"I don't know what his sins might be...I believe of anyone, he is the one that is least deserving of being in this place. Which means there might be other criteria that they use to determine."

But Xingchen is also biased on this subject. To him, Zichen only deserves the best and to never have to endure any more hardship. He has already caused him far too much pain.

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen hums. "Yes. There is ... more than sins and atonement. And there are people who belong less in a place of punishment than others.

"The new person in charge, for him it does not seem to matter. He wants all of us to become demons - he claims we already are.

"So have a care of who you are and who we might be becoming - and that not everyone here is the same."

A reasonable request, he thinks.

[cantseeyoursin]

He listens and weighs those words. He doesn't want to become a demon and he doesn't want that for anyone he holds in his heart. Not for this other version of himself, for Zichen...even for Xue Yang and the others he has met in this place. But if that is what Barbas wants then it will be hard to stay on the path towards atonement.

"Even if it seems that path is not lit, I still want to guide people towards atonement if they are willing in the hopes that perhaps it will happen. As hard as it is to stay away from the path towards more sin...I hope we all can do so."

But it means he will have to try and be more careful of his choices in this place.

[stardustdaozhang]

The shadow of worry in Xingchen's heart is still heavy, but his other self's reply reassure him, and there is nearly a smile to his voice when he responds.

"Just so. It was difficult before, but Lucifer, I think, saw us as people, capable - and even encouraged - to make choices. Barbas... I do not think he likes us very much. But that does not make right and wrong different than what they were before."

And they did not exactly balk at difficult tasks, after all.

"You can talk to me when you are uncertain? Or to Zichen." They both know that his moral compass is not easy to sway.

[cantseeyoursin]

"I appreciate that offer. I'm glad that I have you both and the offer extends to you as well. Should you need anything."

he knows that he is not always clear on what path is the right one. He used to be so sure of it, but things have become more and more muddled. He hopes with their guidance he can keep himself steady and moving forward.

( action )

[mysophobe]

He really hasn't made much time to talk with Xingchen since everything with Barbas happened (again... could that man cease causing problems for a spell?). And so he found himself outside Xingchen's door in the rooms they share, knocking gentle to take stock of his friend.

[cantseeyoursin]

He hears the knock and moves slowly towards the door. He has had a lot to deal with between his time at Hellburbia and dealing with the knowledge of everything he has missed since being gone.

He opens the door upon reaching it, knowing exactly who will be on the other side. “Xichen…is everything alright?” Because he is always one to worry more about others then himself.

[mysophobe]

"I came to ask the same of you," he replies. Though his voice is even, the same steady tone as always, there's worry on the edge of his expression. "I have been remiss in checking up on you since your return."

[cantseeyoursin]

"Ah.." he smiles gently, grateful for the concern the other man shows him. He doesn't deserve to have such concern over him. There are so many others that deserve it more. But he is glad for it as well. It is good to know the other man thinks of him.

"I was not harmed in that other place. There is nothing you need to worry about in regards to that."

It was terribly painful when the memories started to come back. The rain drenching him and causes false memories to mix with real ones. But that was a necessary pain in order to be brought back to his senses and he understands and accepts it.

"I am just sorry that I didn't realize it wasn't the place I belonged much sooner."

[mysophobe]

"You are not at fault," he assures. "There is nothing for you to apologize for. We- I should have tried harder to find you." So many were missing during that time. Zichen feels deeply that he could have, should have done more to rescue his soulmate.

"If you want to talk about what happened, I am here."

[cantseeyoursin]

His expression softens as he hears Zichen pull the blame onto himself. He certainly doesn't place fault on his shoulders. He would have felt badly if Zichen had been injured or sucked into the false life while trying to save him.

"Perhaps it would be good to talk about a lot of things. Should we go for a walk? It has been awhile."

He has been missing for months so it would be good to catch up on everything.

[mysophobe]

A hint of a smile pulls his lips and he steps away from the door, offering an arm to Xingchen. It has been some time since they've gone walking and the last time was pleasant. Even if what they have to discuss is difficult, it will be enough ease to simply be in one another's presence.

Whether or not Xingchen takes the proffered arm, Song Lan guides them from their rooms to the open air outside the hotel. It's much less grotesque now that the bloody snow has stopped and Hell's version of spring is beginning to take hold.

"I'm sure you've noticed our mutual friend Henry is gone."

[cantseeyoursin]

He takes that arm, letting the other man guide him. It is so easy to just let himself relax in Zichen's presence. He knows that the other won't let anything happen to him and that little bit of contact is comforting in a way that cannot be explained.

He is quiet as he is led, feeling the different in the air now that things have started to warm. It's much better to hear the ground beneath his feet instead of the crunch of snow. His expression falls though and his head tilts downward slightly as he feels that little stutter in his heart at Henry's name.

"I have. I tried to check on everyone once I was back and noticed that he was no longer able to be contacted. I am...happy for him."

He says this but he doesn't feel happy about the loss. Just happy he has a chance to go back to what is familiar for him.

[mysophobe]

"Mm." Zichen feels much the same. He is glad that someone he considers a friend is free of this place. But the selfish part of him mourns the loss. He remembers Xingchen and Henry being close so it must be worse for him.

"It is natural to feel saddened by a loss, too," he advises, though he's sure Xingchen knows. "I am here if you need me."

[cantseeyoursin]

Henry is the only person in the hotel who has seen him in the most vulnerable and intimate of ways. But it was more then just that. Xingchen felt very close to Henry after all the things they had shared and he knew he could count on Henry. And he hoped the other man had also felt the same towards him. Henry had bared his soul to him and Xingchen had tried hard to convince Henry he was a better person then he believed. He will miss their conversations as much as he will miss that person who he has shared so much with.

This loss is heavy on his heart, much like the loss of Zichen in his life back home. But at least he is able to heal that hurt with being around this Zichen. He doesn't have such a patch to fix the hole in his life that Henry's departure has left.

"I admit I am also sad. It is hard to lose someone who has been a constant presence in life for a year." He brings his other hand up so that he can place it on Zichen's arm as well and turns his face to smile at his friend. "I know and for that I am also thankful."

[mysophobe]

He can't understand entirely since he doesn't know the extent of their relationship, but he can sympathize. His own relationship with the man was somewhat simple, yet complicated in Zichen's mind. Henry was the first person he met in Hell that he didn't already know to some degree.

Song Lan stops and suddenly pulls Xingchen in for a hug. "You've lost so much here." He remembers that his friend lost a partner in Xue Yang. Not his first choice to be beloved by Xingchen, but beloved nonetheless. And now Henry. It makes Zichen wish he could promise to stay, to always be by Xingchen's side once more. It's a promise he dare not make in a place that gives and takes as it chooses.

The embrace lasts only a moment and Zichen takes his arm once more to walk. It's easier to walk than to ponder the unfairness of it all. Life had been cruel to Xingchen and, apparently, death isn't giving him much relief either. "How can I help?"

[cantseeyoursin]

The hug catches him a little off guard. So unused to such things from Zichen. He is proud of the man in how he has progressed as far as touch but he knows that has much to do with the older version of himself. His returns the hug, feeling the weight of those words as he thinks back over the last year.

Even if he hadn't meant to marry Xue Yang...it is still something that happened. He holds many regrets but at least during that time Xue Yang had been kind...in his own kind of way. There marriage was hardly typical but at least it came with the comfort of knowing there was someone he could rely on in close quarters. So he knows that Zichen is including him in that statement. But the loss for him started even before this place and so he is growing very familiar with these harsher realities and feelings.

"Many have lost while here. The length of time I have been here makes it more likely that I should lose more then others." Trying to rationalize it doesn't make it hurt any less but he also doesn't want Zichen to fret too much over him.

"Simply being here when you can is enough. We still have spring drinks to try."

[mysophobe]

That progress actually has a lot more to do with Henry, if he's honest. It was Henry he was first intimate with and Henry who taught him much of what he ended up exploring with the Xingchen of his world. But, yes, he had come a long way in terms of accepting touch, but it's still from a very limited number of people. Two people, in fact.

"I have not made myself available to you as I should," he admits with a hint of regret in his voice. They lived together after all and he felt, in some ways, like they were strangers. Zichen could do to be a better friend, something he plans to remedy going forward.

One corner of his lips quirk up and he nods silently. "I believe I have heard talk of a strawberry lemoned and iced teas! Shall we try them?"

[cantseeyoursin]

He shakes his head quickly, trying to reassure his friend, "I wouldn't want to trouble you any more then I already do. You have the other me to watch over. I am content with simply this."

How could he ask for anything more? To desire more time would be selfish and he believes that the other version of himself should always be able to monopolize as much of Zichen's time as he could want. Happiness for them gives his soul peace. To simply live in the same place again is enough for him. To know that should he need anything he can call upon him gives him strength. Xingchen doesn't need much to be content.

To just be able to walk alongside him on occasion does much to heal Xingchen. He still believes that he will never get the chance to reconcile with his own Zichen. He knows that there are differences between them even if they aren't fully aware of it. And he doesn't know if they are destined to forever be apart. So he accepts these few moments when he can get them.

A soft exhale of breath causing an amused sound as he hears just a small excitement in Zichen's voice. "I would like that. This place has not disappointed us yet in the uniqueness of its seasonal flavors."

[mysophobe]

"You, my friend, are never any trouble to me." Never. He loves this younger Xingchen, too. Soulmates are soulmates no matter the situation. Song Lan would feel remiss if he continued to neglect their relationship. Xingchen deserves more than scraps of his time and affection.

"There is a cafe back at the hotel, would you like to go there?" Since Hellburbia is still being cleaned up after... everything. He's not sure it would be wise to venture there just yet.

[cantseeyoursin]

He gives that arm a small squeeze. Those words warm him. He is glad that he isn't a bother to him. "If there is ever anything you need of me, you are welcome to ask as well." Because he doesn't want Zichen to ever be hurting either. He wants to make sure he does everything he can to support him. He feels just as much towards this Zichen as he does towards his own. Despite being apart, that will not change. He will be happy for anything more he receives.

"Yes, the cafe would be perfect." He isn't emotionally ready to return to Hellburbia quite yet. That difficult feelings it brings up. To have forgotten Zichen so completely is unforgivable. To forget everything, the good and the bad...he didn't deserve to do so. He doesn't know how he could simply fall so easily into that other life.

And so he is far more comfortable at the cafe for now, until he can sort through those feelings. Not that he would want to trouble Zichen with tales of that other life he led.

[mysophobe]

"Of course," he assures with a nod, changing direction to head back to the hotel's cafe. It seems more crowded now that everyone is returned from the spell that trapped them in Hellburbia. But Zichen doesn't mind. His attention is focused on his chosen companion.

"Do you have any idea what you'd like to try?"

[cantseeyoursin]

"All of it?" He laughs softly. He is sure that he will be able to try each of the flavors before they are gone. There doesn't have to be any rush to do so at this moment. So he will simply accept whatever drink the other man chooses and can branch off from there.

"Whatever you are desiring to try first is where I will start as well."

[odaystar]

To Whom It May Concern,

It has been years now since Hell has been redone and made even greater than ever before. And you, my prized guest, have made it twenty-four months in your journey towards redemption. I know that there have been bumps along the way and we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I do wish to show my gratitude. Together, we will all leave Hell one day.

I have handpicked gifts specifically for you to commemorate this anniversary. I do hope you enjoy them.

A potion that will give him temporary enhanced senses, almost like radar or sonar, that will allow him to almost ‘see’ things around him. He will be able to develop a relatively accurate mental picture of those around him thanks to this ability. There are six potions that will last an hour for each dose.

A gift basket with an assortment of teas, chocolates, candies, etc. This basket will also include special access to the library’s braille section. If he isn’t familiar with it, he will be taught.

A private night at the spa with up to two companions.

Yours,
Lucifer